Our sweet, sweet Baby M,

It is always hard to say goodbye. Especially when you know it will be for a while. We lost our little Baby M on March 5th. We had such high hopes and dreams for her, even if it sounds cliche. It's hard to believe, but when a family finds out they are expecting they immediately love that little, tiny nugget. Wes and I had stayed up late at night for weeks now even before it was official, just wondering what baby M would be like, whether Mark and her would get along, what her personality would be like. I also had the "isn't this the cutest outfit ever" moment at Target frequently. We were literally and physically expecting her to be here. Plans were made around the fact that we would be a family of 4: we didn't want to drive too much this summer, we would have to move while I was pregnant and we'd need a bigger house than we thought we would in Texas. But we were all ok with that. In fact, we were thrilled. Wes and I had started the name game early on, much sooner than most people do. I already thought baby M was a girl and after lots and lots of bickering over her name we came up with it,
MIA ELIZABETH. Isn't it a beautiful name? I loved Mia because it literally means that she is "mine" in spanish. She was ours. For us to hold and love and share with the world. Ours to watch grow and cuddle with. Ours.
So why would this happen? I think the saying goes, "bad things happen to good people" and while I'm not claiming that we're always good people, I'd like to think we're not awful. I feel robbed. That was our child, Mark's little sister, our family. Why would God let that happen? Why us? Why our little Mia? It didn't seem fair. It never will. Nothing will for that matter.
Yet we have managed to find the silver lining. It is so incredibly hard to stay in bed and mope around when there is a crazy baby in his crib calling for his "mama" to play. We are already blessed in so many ways, too many to even list but the most important blessing has been our family. I can't single out Mark or Wes because they have both been the most wonderful blessings God has ever shared with me. There are tons of families that hope and pray for one, just ONE healthy baby and we have one. How lucky are we??!! Very!
We could be upset. I have been, actually. I have asked several times "why us?" That doesn't fix anything, though. I've come to appreciate what we have even more. I try and hug Mark even more, give him one extra kiss even if he won't let me. Being sad won't bring back our little Mia, and hiding under the covers only means that Mark and I don't get extra play time in. Remembering Mia doesn't have to be by crying incessantly, although sometimes that's all I do at night, we will just value our time together much more than we did before (which was already a lot!)  
All in all we are one of the lucky families. We never got to hold Mia, we never even got to see her besides an ultra sound picture. We never got to hear her little heart beat, but I know she heard mine. I know she heard Wes and Mark talking to her. Mia will always be part of the Fink clan. 
Siempre sera Mia, (nuestra).

Ask and you shall receive

We have been blessed in a variety of ways. Wes and I found each other with the least of perfect timings: he was getting ready to deploy and I had lost my boyfriend in Afghanistan. It was a weird time to meet. Wes was already in a deployment mindset and didn't want to get tied down, and I was not ready for another relationship. Yet somehow we have managed to create our own little family in less than 2 years and couldn't be happier. It is crazy to think about all of the blessings we have received as a family. Wes has come home safe and sound from his deployment, we have a seriously handsome little guy, and have had a fairly easy post-deployment PCS.
However, there is one part of our life where we have had some struggles. After my c-section with Mark, there were some major complications. It was a hard recovery and after a series of tests in both Colorado and here in Virginia, we have yet to find any answers to what exactly is going on. The doctors told us nothing but bad news, anything from more surgeries, to precancerous cells. But the hardest pill to swallow was the fact that the doctors believed Mark would be an only child. We had been planning a big family; we liked the idea of tiny feet running around, yelling at each other and making a huge mess in our living room. It was so hard to tell Wes, and while he didn't show a huge disappointment I could tell it was tough on him as well. We realized that we could still have our large family through other methods like adoption, surrogates or even hormonal methods. Our hearts were set on it, but we still found the time to wonder and pray about what another little Finkster would be like. There is no doubt that we would love a child unconditionally no matter how he or she became a part of our family, but the thought of having another baby danced in our heads. I finally prayed, lots. Mostly for an answer, but also for another miracle baby.
Mark is our first miracle baby. We had taken every precaution to not get pregnant before Wes deployed simply because I didn't want him to be left out, plus we knew that once Wes came back from Afghanistan we'd have a fairly easy year. However God had different plans. By some miracle, little Mark found his way into our family and we wouldn't have it any other way. And now, we have yet another miracle baby. The one that we thought would never get here.

After several weeks of fighting for tests only to receive incorrect results (it said positive yet the doctor told me they were negative, silly Army) and having to get them done again, we have the results we've been wanting to hear. When I went into the ultrasound test, the lady said that we'd look for a little "surprise", but she was no surprise to me. I knew she'd been there for a while, 7 weeks to be "exact". Sure I'm nowhere near far enough along to know what she is, but I have a huge gut feeling she is a girl :) we already even have her name picked out. When I told Wes the news, he was thrilled. We went out to lunch and he saw the ultrasound picture and instantly had the biggest smile I've seen on him for a while. It's safe to say she is our little miracle, but I've come to realize that our family IS a huge miracle. How lucky are we? I hope I'm not jinxing us by saying all of this but we are just soo happy right now. There are so many families that wish they could even have just one little nugget and we have been blessed twice already. We are the luckiest mommy and daddy ever, and neither of us would have it any other way! The three of us are so excited for October to get here so we can meet our littlest nugget. Until then, we'll be listening to her heartbeat, reading, singing, and playing with her. We can't wait for her to get here!