It is always hard to say goodbye. Especially when you know it will be for a while. We lost our little Baby M on March 5th. We had such high hopes and dreams for her, even if it sounds cliche. It's hard to believe, but when a family finds out they are expecting they immediately love that little, tiny nugget. Wes and I had stayed up late at night for weeks now even before it was official, just wondering what baby M would be like, whether Mark and her would get along, what her personality would be like. I also had the "isn't this the cutest outfit ever" moment at Target frequently. We were literally and physically expecting her to be here. Plans were made around the fact that we would be a family of 4: we didn't want to drive too much this summer, we would have to move while I was pregnant and we'd need a bigger house than we thought we would in Texas. But we were all ok with that. In fact, we were thrilled. Wes and I had started the name game early on, much sooner than most people do. I already thought baby M was a girl and after lots and lots of bickering over her name we came up with it,
MIA ELIZABETH. Isn't it a beautiful name? I loved Mia because it literally means that she is "mine" in spanish. She was ours. For us to hold and love and share with the world. Ours to watch grow and cuddle with. Ours.
So why would this happen? I think the saying goes, "bad things happen to good people" and while I'm not claiming that we're always good people, I'd like to think we're not awful. I feel robbed. That was our child, Mark's little sister, our family. Why would God let that happen? Why us? Why our little Mia? It didn't seem fair. It never will. Nothing will for that matter.
Yet we have managed to find the silver lining. It is so incredibly hard to stay in bed and mope around when there is a crazy baby in his crib calling for his "mama" to play. We are already blessed in so many ways, too many to even list but the most important blessing has been our family. I can't single out Mark or Wes because they have both been the most wonderful blessings God has ever shared with me. There are tons of families that hope and pray for one, just ONE healthy baby and we have one. How lucky are we??!! Very!
We could be upset. I have been, actually. I have asked several times "why us?" That doesn't fix anything, though. I've come to appreciate what we have even more. I try and hug Mark even more, give him one extra kiss even if he won't let me. Being sad won't bring back our little Mia, and hiding under the covers only means that Mark and I don't get extra play time in. Remembering Mia doesn't have to be by crying incessantly, although sometimes that's all I do at night, we will just value our time together much more than we did before (which was already a lot!)
All in all we are one of the lucky families. We never got to hold Mia, we never even got to see her besides an ultra sound picture. We never got to hear her little heart beat, but I know she heard mine. I know she heard Wes and Mark talking to her. Mia will always be part of the Fink clan.
Siempre sera Mia, (nuestra).
